I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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