Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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