Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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