is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
