I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
