a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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