I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
