I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize