Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
