Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize