I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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