I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
