guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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