I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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