I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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