I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
