Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
