When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so let's talk penis.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
