note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
