Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
