I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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