Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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