is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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