Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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