i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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