If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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