I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yo dont text me then not text me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
