Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
