I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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