3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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