So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
