Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
