im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
