Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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