The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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