when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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