At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
