I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
