Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
