R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
