Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
