So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize