he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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