3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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