I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
