see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
