She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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