the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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