I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
