so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
