i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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