Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
