I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
