i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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