im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize