Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize