I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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