You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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