If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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