you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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