3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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