Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
